


ille non est eius (he is not her)

by Dawn1000



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Narcissa questioning her life choices, refrences of self harm and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawn1000/pseuds/Dawn1000
Summary: The one Narcissa loves and the one she married are two very different people. She can't help but compare them as she questions whether or not she made the right choice.
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Narcissa Black Malfoy/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	ille non est eius (he is not her)

Lucius is not Lucrezia. 

Lucius never did Narcissa's hair, or helped her use glamor and concealer to hide the bruises on her face. Lucius is not the one who took her to catch grasshoppers when they were little, simply because it made Narcissa happy. 

Lucius has never confided in her about his family- nor has he raged as Lucrezia had. He has never screamed and cursed and beat at the wall until his hands are bloody. He has never sobbed in her arms and soaked her shirt with his tears. 

Lucius is not the one who wrote clever poems, and wooed her with his words. Lucius was not the one to comfort Narcissa when Andr- when the filthy blood traitor left and abandoned her to bear the sole brunt of their- her- parents' rage. 

Lucius has never kissed Narcissa like his life depended on it. Has never cherished every moment with her, because they only have so long together (and why would he? He has her forever). 

Lucius is not the one who Narcissa showed every piece of herself to. He is not the one who accepted her for the broken thing she was. He did not whisper, "It's alright. I'm here, I love you," over and over again until she started to believe it. 

Lucius is not the one who kept her from flinging herself off the astronomy tower the day she realized Bellatrix, her last sister (her only sister, she reminds herself) was really and truly descending into madness. It was not Lucius who kissed the tears off her cheeks and cradled her that night. 

It was not Lucius who had to go through the pain of seeing Narcissa announce her engagement to someone else. Narcissa did not have to look into his eyes and see the agony and heart break and soul crushing resignation in them (she wishes that suffering _was_ his, in her darkest moments). 

Lucius has never possessed Narcissa's entire heart or looked at her as if she is the most precious person in the world, or simply held her as a silent sign of love. 

Lucius has never winced as the topic of discrimination has come up. He has always curled his lip, and sneered, and touched his left forearm with pride. 

(Lucius was also not butchered in an alleyway by mudbloods- _how dare they take Lucrezia from Narcissa!-_ the very people he pitied. It was not her husband's sightless eyes that Narcissa had to stare into, and it was not her husband's body she had helped to cleanse before cremation. _So young, Lucrezia had been. Not even twenty yet.)_

No; Lucius is not Lucrezia. He will never be half the person she was. But he is who her family wanted, and so he is who she married. And as she holds their infant son in her arms, Narcissa can only hope that he will be enough, and that they will survive this war. 

She made the right decision by standing with her family and obeying as a good daughter always should. She had to have. 

(Narcissa ignores the way Bellatrix's maniacal laughter haunts her, and how, every night, a pretty girl with dark skin, curly black hair, and proud onyx eyes visits her in her dreams)


End file.
